My whole life I have been defending myself about not to going back to Indonesia. A scenario that goes something like this:
– “Have you ever been back in Indonesia?”
And believe me, the persons asking me that are never satisfied with that answer. How can that be. Don’t you think that’s weird. Are you not curious about where you come from? That’s what they’re thinking.
Sometimes there is a judgment. Especially when I tell that my ideal dream trip is a family road trip through the US, together with Arthur (with whom I previously made such a trip) and our children. Indonesia has just never been on top of my list. And even now I know that I still have family over there, I’m not making any plans.
It’s crazy how I’ve always felt I had to defend that. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just imagining everyone expects from me to go all Indonesian. Not only people around me, but also my family in Indonesia. I don’t know.
To answer the unspoken question: yes, of course I’m curious. Almost every adoptee whom I met recently, has at least once been back in Indonesia. “When I got off the plane, it immediately felt familiar. The smell, everything … It felt like home.” Of course I want to experience that myself one day.
But there is a world between wanting and doing so.